My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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