I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
