the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
