So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
