When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
