he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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