she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
zippers are such a cool invention
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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