Im at strip club and am horny
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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