Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
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