There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
