I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
