i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
