I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
