NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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