that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Omg I joined a choir last night...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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