remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
