I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
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