Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
