Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
