If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
