The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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