I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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