if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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