my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
