A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
