I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
