I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
