Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
