Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
