I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
