This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
