you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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