i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
