There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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