Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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