I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
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