Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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