Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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