I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
