that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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