um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
