I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
