Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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