I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
