I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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