I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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