I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
