woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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