i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
my being single is dangerous.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
