My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
