remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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