What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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