Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
