The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
