What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
