I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just threw up on my dentist
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
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I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
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How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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