ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
