never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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