Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Girls should come with a carfax report
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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